Fantasy Date: Jonathan Rhys Meyers
By Polly Vernon
Minx, November 1998
Fancy a bit of Irish? Polly Vernon does when the lovely young start of The Disappearance of Finbar takes her for a ride…
Jonathan. You see me, you fancy me loads, you ask me out and – what do you know? – I accept. Where would you take me?
I’ve never been on a date.
You’re on one now, matey.
We wouldn’t go to a cinema, and we wouldn’t go to a pub, because there’s too many people, and I’d only want to be with the person I was with.
Would that me, by any chance?
Yes. You. I’d take you wherever you wanted to go. I’d take you horse riding in Finland. It’s where I made my first film, The Disappearance of Finbar, and it’s beautiful.
Can you ride?
I can. I got a horse for my birthday. Since I started dealing with horses, I’m less of a coward.
Bring him along. And what would you wear?
I’d wear a jumper I got in Tibet, and the suede trousers I usually wear when I’m horse riding.
I trust they’re quite… tight. I’m hungry, actually. Can we stop at an isolated ramshackle hut of a restaurant and eat?
Of course. You can have a choice of local specialities – reindeer or salmon. Or I could feed you these little fish you get in sauce. It’s very Scandinavian.
Would I feed you back?
No. I’d be the subservient, servile one.
Oh good. And would we drink a great deal of vodka?
No. I don’t drink. I’m a really boring date, you see. Although when I was filming in Finland, I did moonshine once or twice. I used to sit in a sauna with a friend of mine, Kent Sturk, and drink gallon drums of moonshine.
Were you in any way naked with Kent Sturk?
Stark bullock naked, and very, very drunk. It was hot, and after a while we’d go outside and roll in the snow, and then we’d be absolutely freezing. So we’d go in again and get this warm feeling all over our bodies from the moonshine. Which was amazing.
We could always do that, if you wanted…
But drink doesn’t suit me. I had a brush with the law in Tibet because I’d been drinking Tibetan moonshine. So I’d stay sober on our date.
Do you mind if I drink – heavily?
Not at all. I’d find it quite amusing.
Sweet. Do we dance?
Do you like to dance?
Then we’d dance. We would tango. Can you tango?
Well, would you like to try?
Yes, please. Are you a good dancer?
I don’t consider myself to be a good dancer. Maybe someone else would.
I think you’re a great dancer. Only – we’re ridden across snowy planes, you’ve fed me small fish and now we’ve tangoed. Could we get down to something more serious?
Actually, I probably wouldn’t make a move on you.
But why? We were getting on so well…
Because it’s not an original trick to ply a girl with drink then drag her into a room and shag her brains out. It isn’t exactly what I’d like to do.
But you didn’t ply me with drink. I did that myself. What if I made a move on you?
Well, then I’d probably accept it.
Yes. But I wouldn’t sleep with you on the first date.
Would you lose all respect for me and never phone?
I don’t call people. I’m incredibly bad with the telephone. I get very annoyed every time I hear one ring. It always means I have to go somewhere.
So you mean I’d never see you again?
Yes, you would. I’d travel to see you. I’d much rather do that than use the telephone.
Jonathan – when you’re extraordinarily famous, will you be this well behaved?
I hope I’ll deal with it. But I might not. Fame could go straight to my head and I could start behaving abominably. Though I could be an angel.
Abominably would be better.
It does sound like good fun, doesn’t it? Anyway, bye. Thanks for the date.
I think I love you.